The Joy of Dependence

I think it’s safe to say I’ve grown up as a very independent person. As the oldest sister, I was raised to be a leader and an example. You might say I have a big personality—I’m not afraid to meet new people or dive into new experiences. I’m comfortable on stage, and I actually love opportunities to speak and lead. Leadership excites me, and I thrive in spaces where I can take charge. I love building relationships and pouring into discipleship.

I’ve never felt the need to have a boyfriend to feel loved. I always knew I wanted to wait for someone who truly follows and loves the Lord more than he loves me. I know how to walk with confidence. I’m a hard worker, whether it’s at a job or in ministry where I’m not getting paid. I don’t need validation from others to feel like I’m doing a good job.

Now, I don’t say any of this to be cocky or to make myself look good. I thank God for shaping me into the person I am today and for allowing me to grow up in an amazing home that taught me these values. He truly gets all the glory. But the reason I bring this up is because the Lord has been teaching me something new: that while independence is a good thing, He created me to be dependent on Him. He has been showing me how to invite Him more into my life, how He wants to give me more than I could ever imagine.

At first, I planned to title this blog “The Joy of Sacrifice.” It had been on my to-do list for a while. But God gave me so much revelation this past week, and I realized He was shifting my perspective. So here we go!

Swaziland: Learning the Joy of Sacrifice

By all accounts, Swaziland should not have been an easy country. It was hot, our ministry days were long and exhausting, I was covered in bug bites, we met people facing incredibly difficult situations, we were tenting—it was all physically and emotionally draining. And yet, God taught me the joy of sacrifice. He reminded me that life isn’t about me, and that my greatest joy comes from surrendering everything to Him.

I had to ask myself: If I had nothing but Jesus, would I be satisfied?

Swaziland tested me, but in the best way. It became such a sweet time with the Lord, where I got into a rhythm of following Him for myself—not because anyone was telling me how to, but because I wanted to. In South Africa, I learned intimacy with the Lord, but there was so much structured worship and prayer time that I didn’t have to choose it for myself. In Swaziland, I had to be intentional. Each morning, it was just me and Him. He filled me with so much peace and joy that the heaviness of the challenges around me didn’t weigh me down.

Swaziland was light and simple. Not because of the circumstances, but because of Him.

Malaysia: Learning the Joy of Dependence

Then, I got the news about Malaysia. And now, here I am.

If I’m being honest, I did not love it at first. But to be fair, jet lag hit me hard. I didn’t feel like a real person—I was exhausted during the day, missing my friends, overwhelmed by living with seven girls in one room again, homesick for my sisters and family, and honestly just not excited about the next seven weeks.

The first few days, we spent most of our time in our room, and I felt like I was going crazy. I remember going to the one little spot in our building where I could have some privacy and just sitting with the Lord, posturing my heart in surrender.

Before coming here, during Awakening, the Lord had given me a word: codependent. I kept hearing it over and over. I finally said, “Okay, God, I want to learn how to be codependent on You.”

I knew Malaysia wasn’t going to be easy unless I fully surrendered it to Him. I knew He was speaking over my time here.

I also got a picture of myself holding a giant, cartoon-like heart. My arms were wrapped around the bottom corner, and it was as if I was holding onto so much more than I realized. I heard the Lord say, “There is so much more.”

So I entered Malaysia expectant. Expecting Him to fill me in ways I’d never experienced before.

And boy, did He.

The Shift

I started asking God to sustain me each day. To give me new joy every morning. I asked Him to fill me so completely that I could pour out onto my teammates and the people we serve. I asked boldly for Him to show up.

The next day? One of the best days ever.

God completely shifted my heart at ministry. I developed such a deep love for my students. (Yes, I have students—stay tuned for next week’s ministry update!). I was suddenly filled with energy throughout the day. I got to go on house visits, worship with people, be a light to Muslims, and dance at church. It was one of the most joyful weeks I’ve ever had.

By the end of the week, I was ready for Sabbath, but in a good way.

Also, our ministry hosts? Amazing. I love getting to know them, and I genuinely think they’ll be real friends by the end of our time here. That makes me so excited! I can’t wait to see how God moves in Malaysia and how our relationships continue to grow. This place might just end up being my favorite country yet.

The Revelation

Today, the Lord hit me with something big.

I turned to Him here to sustain me because I knew I needed Him. But then He asked me, “Why don’t you live like this every day?”

And that hit me hard.

It’s so true. Why have I only sought Him this deeply when I think I need Him? Why haven’t I asked Him to sustain me every single day, whether I think it’ll be hard or not?

Jesus never called us to be independent from Him. He loves us too much for that! He wants us to depend on Him. He says, “Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest.” He wants to sustain us.

So why wouldn’t we take Him up on that?

A Challenge for You

If you’re reading this, I encourage you—ask the Lord to fill you each morning. Spend intentional time with Him. Allow Him to pour into you, because I promise you will overflow onto others the rest of the day.

I love you all so much. Stay tuned for next week’s blog, where I’ll debrief my time in Malaysia and share what I’ve been up to!

With love,

Ashlyn